Taming Ego When Trying Again
I attempted to use chalk pastels, a material I find challenging and have rarely used before. Controlling the fragile nature of chalk is difficult and it leads to mistakes and mess. It was truly a process of trial and error, applying it to paper and seeing what might happen, struggling to like the results, abandoning it and starting again. However, soon into the process, I found the biggest obstacle was ego. Self criticism and negative thoughts whirred away each time I restarted.
Ego can be so destructive. It became the motivation to create something ‘better’, something more ‘impressive’ and I began to feel myself growing defeated. It was then that I decided to rebel against this mental and emotional pattern. I would not abandon a piece of work I had begun and would instead continue to add to it with no expectations. The process became organic, and where ego once was the main incentive to keep going, curiosity took over. I became engrossed in how the chalk pastels behaved on the surface and with each other, how each colour reacted when blended and smudged. I leant into the lack of control I felt and confronted moments of intrusive thoughts or rumination on opinion and judgement.
The final piece was merely a consequence of my curiosity and no longer the priority of my creativity. I learnt to detach my creative process from the more unproductive and egocentric forms of self criticism, where trial and error becomes a search for validation and creativity itself, a burden. I accepted the moment a piece was finished to a standard that didn’t leave me with pride or a desire to exhibit it. I rejected the deceiving importance and codependent relationship of validation and self expression. Each piece is something to be simply enjoyed as a reflection of how colours and shapes have materialised through self reflection and development. Nothing more than a portrayal of an attempt to tame ego.
Letting Go A Little 